This post is probably arriving a little bit early, but I'm in the calm before the storm right now, so I think it's the right time to write it. I'm already a bit of a nervous wreck so excuse the potential livejournal atmosphere of the post -- I just have a lot of feelings.
For the sake of transparency, I'll give one final update on my training. In my first post of this season, I mentioned that part of the reason I wanted to run another marathon was so that I could actually train properly this time. And 6 months ago I really meant that. I got the official training program that Special Olympics Chicago provides for its runners, I bought two pairs of fancy new shoes, I went to the doctor to check up on my troublesome knee -- I was ready. Then life happened. In 6 months I've had job changes, relationship changes, location changes, injuries, breakdowns, successes, and tons of everyday things that come along with being a human. I did not train the way I planned, and I know that's going to affect my time and how good I feel during and after the race.
So now it's time to reflect on my shambles of a last 6 months.
The Special Olympics motto is as follows: "Let me win. But if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt." Looking back at my training season, I think this is absolutely fitting. In black and white terms, I did not win this training season. I didn't manage my longest training run due to a nagging injury that I just hope I can run through on Sunday. I drank too much alcohol, got too little sleep, and chose sitting on the couch over working out on multiple occasions. And for the last few weeks I've been beating myself up about all of that. But the fact is that the race is coming whether I'm physically ready or not. And the time for physical preparation is over. So now all I can do is mentally prepare myself, and the first step is to stop bullying past me. I may not have won marathon training, but I think I was pretty brave in the attempt. I'm in a terrifying phase of my life, and this phase has just happened to coincide with my training timeframe. I absolutely do not mean to beg for pity, and it's a phase everyone goes through, but that doesn't make it less terrifying. I'm in the final phase of my education, and I'm living in a foreign country where I'm still trying to find my place even after more than 2 years. I don't have a real job, I'm up to my ears in student debt, and I don't even know what I want to be doing with my future. And that's just the "professional" side of things. If you want more details about my personal life (which I promise is equally terrifying!) we'll have to get coffee and chat sometime. These aren't excuses; I definitely take responsibility for the impact that my life choices have. Nobody forced me to leave my full-time job to move across the ocean and pursue a Masters degree in a slightly ridiculous subject. I don't always make good choices (although I do stand by my decision to move across the ocean), but I've been trying to make better choices. Better late than never, for the last month or so I've said goodbye to beer and hello to more water. That long run that I couldn't complete? I didn't finish it because even though I could have finished, I knew that it would have been a bad idea in the long run (see what I did there??); so even though my brain was screaming that I was lazy and weak, I listened to my body instead. I've always had weak hips, which messes with my knees, ankles, etc. and I've been somewhat consistent with my hip strengthening exercises. I've run up more hills in the last 6 months than I previously had in the rest of my life combined -- if you don't know how big a victory that is, see my previous post. I'm slowly learning to let other people help me when I'm feeling terrible about myself. With my sister's persistence (because I've also been slacking on the fundraising efforts) and your incredible generosity, we raised more than our minimum $2000 commitment for Special Olympics Chicago.
Brave in the attempt.
Without realizing it, that's what this training season has been about for me. It's been about dealing with life and understanding that it also takes bravery to forgive yourself for your mistakes. I know that I'll finish the marathon because although it hasn't been perfect, I'm so much physically and mentally stronger than I was when I started training. I may not have won training, but luckily the final Win is still to come. In 6 days (aahh!). And I have 26.2 miles worth of inspiring people to carry me through. The Special Olympics athletes, both those I know and those I've never met, are alone enough to do it! But I'm so lucky to have family and friends and kind strangers on top of that. The former roommate from college who donated even though we haven't talked lately. The lady on the street who wished me luck in my half marathon because she had seen me at the packet pickup. The friend who told me to just envision him already collapsed at the 10km mark when I was struggling late in the race. The guy in the Special Olympics Finland jacket whose smile lit up the supermarket. My mother, who patiently receives my race-related mail and quickly emails to make sure she does the right thing with it. I could go on all day. And that's good since it will take me about that long to get to the finish line!
So yes, as I said, my vastly unexpected training season will affect how good I feel during and after the marathon. Physically, honestly I'll probably feel like shit (excuse the language, apparently I didn't get all the swearing out in my Hills post). But mentally I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. And as both a previous marathoner and a highly trained psychologist (a Bachelors degree is "highly trained" right??) I can say with certainty that the mental aspect is the bigger challenge. I'm ready to Win, and not just for myself but for everyone who has helped me to be brave in the attempt. Bring it on!
